


The Familiar Shadow

by MrsSaxon



Series: My Heart was Made for Breaking [Not for This] [2]
Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Actual Fucking TBD, And there will be even more next time!, Anxiety Dreams, Canon Compliant, Clairvoyance, Daddy Issues in Space, Dreaming, Dreams, Everything is Odin's Fault, Fixing Plot Holes, Heimdall the father we need but none of us deserve, Hints of Thanos - Freeform, King-ing is Hard, Loki’s Third Mental Breakdown and Fifth Identity Crisis This Week, M/M, Odin's A+ Parenting, Oh I Just Can’t Wait To Be- No No Never Mind I Take It Back This Is Terrible, Post-Ragnarok, Pre-Infinity War, Slightly more shipping than last time, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Destiny Fucking, Space Angst, Thor is clairvoyant, a very slow burn, the slowest of burns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 04:51:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14561265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsSaxon/pseuds/MrsSaxon
Summary: “Me? Worry?” Thor called over his shoulder, walking out, “What do I have to worry about?” No one found it funny, including Thor.// Thor tries to cope with the aftermath of Loki's breakdown.





	1. Chapter 1

“And how is our shortlist of refuge planets?” Thor turned to Heimdall, hoping for good news.

“Very promising, my lord,” Heimdall nodded, then leaned over the table, pressing a few buttons on it to pull up a projection of the planets in mind.

“This is Vassax, a rocky, ice planet, but with liquid, fresh water and right in the path of the Bifrost,” Heimdall explained, rotating a picture of a silvery sphere, “its star is cold, but with good terraforming, we could increase the surface temperature of the planet and protect its atmosphere. We would have to spend a decade on the terraforming to do it properly-” A disappointed groan sounded around the table. “-but its effortless access to the Bifrost makes it an appealing option.”

“That sounds like more of a long-term solution than a refuge,” Thor interjected.

Heimdall sucked in a breath. “It is, my lord, but I must remind our assembly that I was asked to find uninhabited planets wherever possible, as to avoid messy political and financial arrangements we would have to pay back in the future. And I’m afraid that most planets worth inhabiting are already inhabited. My apologies.”

Thor winced and nodded wisely. He was glad Heimdall had said that though, so he didn’t have to. The search for a new home was not going as swiftly as he had hoped. Whenever they got close to finding a place, there was always some new problem that rendered the location unavailable. But Heimdall had assured Thor that his latest finds were the best of the lot and at least one of them would suit the council. “Yes, we understand,” Thor said, tugging at his beard, “um, proceed, Heimdall, please.”

Heimdall tapped up the next option. “This purple little world is Jahinda. While it is close to its star, its orbit is stable, and the balmy atmosphere means the surface is rich in life and resources. However, as such, it has already generated intelligent life upon whose generosity we would be trespassing. The Jahinda natives have tentatively begun a presence in galactic trade and would benefit from the backing of an older, known culture, such as ourselves. It is my guess that they would be open to an agreement, should we pursue one.”

A conversation rippled around the table, some voices liking the sounds of this, some adamantly against Asgardian interests being beholden to any other nation, but these were growing fewer in number as the weeks drew on and the choices of planets grew slimmer. To Thor, it was at least a solid candidate for a temporary refuge, though clearly not somewhere they could settle permanently. At least it was unlikely. Asgardians had not permanently cohabitated with any other intelligent species for a million years, it was a lot to ask of them to compromise and learn to get along with strangers now.

“It’s a sound option for a temporary home,” Thor said when the conversations began to die down, “do you have any more options for us, Heimdall?”

“Just one, my lord,” Heimdall said pointedly, only just containing a smirk. He pulled up the final planet, leaning back with relish. “This blue-green marble is quite a find. Situated in the perfect midrange from its sun, its three moons compensate for its slow rotation, creating three periods of day and night and a complicated wave pattern that regulates the planet’s oceans and temperature. It is not in the Bifrost, but it is close enough to a branch that an artificial port may be constructed through some magic and engineering. The planet has the beginnings of life, its volcanic stage having passed only some hundreds of thousands of years ago. As such, it is uninhabited and even unnamed.”

An excited rumble rose from the assembly, until one lord finally asked, “Why is it unnamed? Why hasn’t it been claimed by someone else?”

Thor bit his tongue and looked away as Heimdall glanced at him. Heimdall, however, punched a few buttons and pulled up the star chart in which the planet was found. “Because it is on Midgard’s doorstep.”

A beat of silence greeted the news before a wail and groan and deep sigh of annoyance.

Before the complaints could begin in earnest, Thor stood up. “I think that concludes our meeting for today, everyone. Lots to think about for all of us. We will attempt to reach a decision next time.”

Someone turned on the lights and Heimdall turned off his projections. No one was quiet as they filed out of the meeting room, everyone grumbling and complaining, debating the relative advantages and disadvantages of each planet, or even just that they ought to raise the temperature in the meeting room. When Heimdall and Thor were the last ones there, Thor allowed himself to groan and set his head in his hand, rubbing his eyebrows.

“You think they’ll go for it?” Thor sighed, looking up at Heimdall, weary and drained from all this political pressure.

“We did our best,” Heimdall shrugged, “It is the best option, but who knows if they’ll see it.”

Thor walked over to the doorway and banged his head against the wall. “Why did I think it was a good idea to ask them what they wanted? Why didn’t I just make the decision for them?”

“You were trying to be a good king,” Heimdall sighed and patted his shoulder, “and sometimes being a good king feels terrible.”

“This is the _worst_ ,” Thor groaned, rolling over on his back and tilting his head against the wall. “I should have listened to Loki,” he muttered.

“Pardon?” Heimdall frowned.

Thor shook his head. “Nothing, it’s nothing. Just remembering some advice.”

“Thor, you wanted me to come get you- oh, sorry, Heimdall.” Valkyrie came trotting up to the doorway, then stopped short when she saw she was interrupting.

“No, it’s fine, we were just finishing up,” Thor straightened up, leaning off the wall to face her, “you’re right on time.”

“Well, that’s a first,” Valkyrie snorted, “but, if you’re ready for training, my lord…” She beckoned out into the hallway.

“Yes, I’m coming. Thank you, Heimdall, we’ll call another meeting in a few days, give them time to think it over.” Thor nodded to his closest advisor, trying to smile, but it came out grim and thin.

“They will see reason, you’ll see,” Heimdall tried to reassure him before he left, “don’t worry, my lord.”

“Me? Worry?” Thor called over his shoulder, walking out, “What do I have to worry about?” No one found it funny, including Thor.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been weeks since Loki sealed himself in his room. For all Thor knew, Loki had starved to death inside his wards and, when they finally broke down, there’d be nothing but a desiccated corpse left. But Thor tried not to think that; it probably wasn’t true. Probably.

In the meantime, the ship had continued its slow trajectory towards Midgard and Thor had had to carry on ruling Asgard without him. Repairing the cafeteria had taken some time, particularly fixing the food replicators, the lack of which had annoyed everyone on board. For a time, Thor had fretted over how to explain the damage, but it turned out saying “Loki did it” was accepted as a general explanation. Which offended Thor, but he couldn’t deny he was relieved to have a ready shorthand. And then felt guilty for not even trying to defend Loki, but… the explanation here, little as he understood it, wasn’t worth it.

And once that crisis was taken care of, and Loki still hadn’t stirred, Thor had to start addressing the larger problem of a home for his people. Heimdall had started to come back with options for locations, but none of them seemed to take and without Loki’s persuasive arguments, Thor was finding it rough-going to get the Asgardian council to agree on anything, even the best choice. He’d never expected popular opinion to be this diverse and contradictory. Perhaps that was why most kings didn’t bother with it.

So, with that ongoing crisis in deadlock, Thor mostly filled his time working off his stress with Valkyrie. Which is how he found himself in the converted weight room, pulling 400-pound blocks towards his face, minutes after a tense political meeting. At the moment, this was all he felt good at.

“C’mon, my grandmother could press more than that,” Valkyrie was saying as she spotted him.

“Sorry,” Thor muttered, returning the weights to rest with a sigh and picking up a towel to wipe his face off.

Valkyrie’s eyebrows scrunched for a moment, then she sat down on a bench opposite him. “Alright, you _need_ to get out of whatever funk you’re in,” she gestured to him vaguely as she said it, “You shouldn’t be apologizing during smack talk.”

Thor nodded glumly, scrubbing the back of his neck with his towel. “I know, I know, why do you think I’m in here every waking moment?” He stood and walked over to the next machine.

“Maybe that’s the problem,” Valkyrie suggested, folding her arms.

Thor frowned as he sat down for a leg stretch. “What do you mean?” He rolled his head over to squint at her with his good eye.

Valkyrie groaned and scratched at her scalp before responding. “Do you see anyone else in here? No, it’s just us. That’s what I’m saying.”

Thor regretted making the effort to look at her and instead focused on his leg stretches.

“Look, I… once pointed out to your brother that the only person I ever saw him talk to was you,” Valkyrie chewed her lip as she hesitated, “now that he’s gone, you’re not talking to anyone either.”

Thor tried not to wince visibly as she mentioned Loki. The veins in his legs popped out, instead, as he did his reps faster.

Valkyrie stood and continued, softer, “You need friends. Talk to people, talk to Korg, talk to your subjects. They love you. And stop hogging all my time, you’re cutting into my precious lazing-and-boozing time.” She wagged a finger at him.

“And that _is_ a shame,” Thor retorted, winking at her. Perhaps she had a point. All this running around didn’t make him feel any less terrified when he stopped and looked around. Maybe some socializing would finally soothe the ache in his heart.


	3. Chapter 3

_The air around him was brisk and chilling, the ground crisp and hard under his feet. Thor looked down to see his boots already caked in snow and he drew his fur-lined cloak about him tighter. Looking out around him, he recognized this blue and slate-grey barren landscape: it was Jotunheim. Or, more accurately, what was left of it._

_The last time he’d been here, there’d been crumbling, but still towering spires of ice and stone. There had been the skeleton of cathedral-like structures, towers that defiantly pierced the cold, sunless sky. Now even the ruins were ruined. When Loki had locked the Bifrost open here, it had literally ripped the planet apart. There were no more ghosts of structures, only rubble, chunks of what might have been homes or castles or walls. And if he walked far enough, Thor knew, he would reach a vast canyon, an ugly gash across the planet’s surface, deep enough it had almost split the planet in two._

_Why was he here though? The thought plagued him as he continued a meandering pace forwards. All around him was still, the only sound the gust of wind as it blew rough against his face. Why was he on this dead rock? He kept looking around him, like he knew something was here, like he expected to see something he recognized. Yet his steps were slow. He was not yet worried he would not find what he was looking for. Disoriented, unsure, Thor kept plodding forward, hoping he’d see what he expected._

_Not a living soul stirred. No one approached him. Nor did Thor spy any footprints or hear any clatter from people hiding. This absence stabbed at him, began to make him anxious to see another living creature. Perhaps that was what he was looking for in the first place._

_He became aware of night falling. There was not much light here to begin with, its sun was distant and weak. But even the shadows from rubble were growing long and thick, the sky betrayed even farther stars, glittering like snow. Finally, the light died entirely and Thor could no longer see the ground in front of him; all was dark as ink. His eye blinked instinctively, trying to open wide enough to take in any light, any light at all, and it was then that he heard something. Someone’s breath. Thor turned and found two carnelian eyes, softly glowing. Someone blinked at him in the darkness, appearing to him only now, when identity was hardest to decipher._

_Thor crunched forward towards the person, sure this was the reason he was here. The Jotun turned their face away as he approached, leaving Thor with only memory of the glowing eyes to follow. They were not far away, only a few steps; it occurred to Thor that the distance was on purpose, that they had wanted to be near him. Thor halted in front of them and realized they were nearly the same height. Small, for a Jotun, yet they carried themselves like an adult, not a juvenile. Thor was about to ask them who they were, but the Jotun answered his question for him, turning those bright eyes up to him again, facing him head on. The shape, the size, the expression was too familiar to be mistaken. The sight pierced his heart._

_“Loki?” Thor murmured, his breath a white puff obscuring Loki’s face for a moment. Loki said nothing, but his eyes looked pained. Even red, as they were now, Thor could still read them. Thor squinted at his skin, the same marine color as any Jotun’s, the same scars and tattoos ran up his arms and chest, his neck and face. His face… Thor longed for more light to make him out clearly. There was something off about his face, it seemed thicker, stiffer than as he usually saw it, as if ridges had grown down his forehead and across his cheeks. Like Laufey. Carapace, like the royal Jotuns._

_Only Loki’s eyes moved under the scrutiny, flickering away frequently, their expression always of mortification. With a wrench to his heart, Thor remembered that he’d… never seen Loki’s true form. And that perhaps Loki had wanted it that way. Tears pricked Thor’s eye. God, had he known his brother so long and yet still understood him so little?_

Thor woke up slowly. He feared it would still be night when he woke up and he would have to try to sleep again, but as luck would have it, when he found the clock, it was morning and it was acceptable for him to get up and start his day. Looking around his room, however, he missed the familiar shadow that usually came to him with his bad dreams. This time, there was no one there to comfort him, no quiet voice in the dark, no hand to hold.

Thor rolled over, tempted to petulantly go back to sleep anyway. He feared, if he got up, he couldn’t stop himself from walking down to Loki’s room, braving the sizzling, burning wards around it, and breaking down the door himself. Distantly, he heard Heimdall’s warnings about his responsibilities ebb around the edges of his mind. It would be selfish to do that. But right now, in the close dark, with the sad pit in his stomach left by the dream, he wanted to drop everything for Loki.


	4. Chapter 4

“Hey! Lord, sorry, God of Thunder!” Korg trotted up to Thor walking down a hallway, waving as he came, “Haven’t seen you for a bit, where ya been?”

Thor mustered a smile. “It’s alright, Korg, just Thor is fine. I’ve been, uh… managing my kingdom.” Thor sighed, not sure how to explain the situation more in depth to Korg, not sure if he wanted to. “It’s been difficult.”

“Oh, because your planet exploded in front of all of your people and it was all your fault?” Korg blinked at him.

“…yeah, it might have something to do with that.” Thor rolled his shoulders and looked away as he led Korg through some of the observation halls.

“Ah, cheer up, then! Everyone who’s here survived! They’re just happy to be alive!” Korg beamed, clapping Thor on the shoulder.

“That’s… very nice, Korg, thank you,” Thor cleared his throat, “and I’m sorry I haven’t been around more. It’s just the… pressure. But Valkyrie says I should get out more, so.”

“Huh, fine thing for her to say, after she didn’t get out for hundreds of years,” Korg muttered.

Thor stopped, taking that in. “That’s a good point, actually. Thank you, Korg, I’ll use that next time.”

As they walked through the observation halls together, there were some Asgardians milling about, the very people Thor was meant to be socializing with. Soon he was spotted and Thor prepared himself as a young woman ran up to him.

“Excuse me, my lord Thor?” she asked timidly, looking up at him with wide, anxious eyes.

“Yes, how can I help you?” Thor smiled politely, dreading the question he knew was coming.

“I don’t mean to interrupt,” she hesitated, bowing her head, “but… where is Lord Loki?”

That was _not_ the question Thor had expected to hear. His mouth dropped open.

“Loki? He’s-” Korg began.

Thor rushed to shut him up. “He’s in seclusion! He’s um… in intense research right now, he’s not to be disturbed. Uh, why… why do you ask?”

“Oh!” she gulped, “Well, this will sound silly, but… we missed his plays. We hoped he might write another to amuse us while we’re on board.”

Thor’s face fell. “The play.”

“Mmmhmm!” she beamed at him, “ _The Tragedy of Loki of Asgard_ was very entertaining! Please tell him we’d like a sequel.”

“A se- don’t you… what do you _mean_ sequel?!” Thor cried, but she was already gone, running back to her friends to report on her findings. “It was real life, that was real… didn’t he tell them _anything?_ ” Thor muttered in disbelief.

“Sounds very popular real life, what was it about?” Korg cocked his head at him curiously.

Thor’s face scrunched as he grimaced. “I’ll tell you later,” he sighed, “Well. That was unexpected.”

“That the play was popular or that people are noticing Loki is missing?”

“Both,” Thor rolled his eyes, “…the second,” he amended after a beat.

“I don’t think that’s so surprising,” Korg shrugged.

Thor raised an eyebrow up at him. “What makes you say that?”

“Well, to my reckoning, he helped you escape, then helped save everyone here. To my way of thinking that’s something of a hero.”

Thor choked. “That’s not… I suppose, if only looking…” Was it, was it possible their people had forgiven Loki? It, belatedly, shamed Thor that he hadn’t fully considered that before.

Korg raised an eyebrow. “O-kay, I don’t know what’s happening in your head, but I hope your hero brother feels better soon and gives the people what they want! I want to see this play now!”

Putting aside all the new feelings of pride and appreciation this exchange created, Thor cringed at Korg. “Trust me, you don’t.”


	5. Chapter 5

_He was waking. He was on the ground, his sense of gravity told him so. As he reached out to push himself up he noticed the grating in the floor. Wait, he recognized this location. He knew this dream. Loki had said it might portend the future. Thor stood up and stepped forward. There were those same people he’d seen before. He reached out, trying to interact, but before he could say anything, the dream began to fade._

_The ship, the crew, it all dissolved and a new setting began to take its place. A planet surface took shape under him and Thor floated down to meet it. The experience was dizzying and Thor tried to orient himself as he looked around. He was on an outcropping overlooking a shore. People were moving down there, carrying things. But this was no beach of Midgard, at least not one he’d ever been on. The waves moved strangely, chopped and frothy, and when he looked to the sky, three moons hung there, not the constant orb that belonged to Midgard. This… this was that other planet then, that new refuge he hoped to bring his people to._

_He looked again, and yes, those were his people! They were carrying building materials, hauling them up the shallow side of the outcropping. Their ark must have landed not far from here. Thor turned anxiously, eager to assist his people._

_“Brother.” Loki’s voice arrested him. Thor’s every anxiety melted at the sound. It had been so long since he’d heard Loki’s voice, he could scarce believe how sweet it felt to hear it again. He turned to him and found Loki smiling. He threw his head away and Thor followed his gesture behind them where a new citadel was being constructed. Thor gasped. He didn’t know how long they had been here, but already they had built a huge dome to house their many refugees, already the markings of civilization were being embedded on this planet. No small, homely shacks here to mark the shame and misfortune of this great people. But, already, shining walls and spires, proclaiming to all that they were unbowed. Thor’s eye watered to see it._

_But then all at once, his shining city was cast in shadow. Thor whipped back to the sky and found no moons, but a massive ship covering the horizon, blocking nearly all the light from the sun. Thor could barely make out Loki standing next to him._

_“Did you think you could escape me?” a commanding voice issued from the ship, “Did you think I would not find you?”_

_Thor had no idea what this voice could possibly be referring to, but nonetheless the voice began to laugh. “I see you’ve learned nothing from your fall.”_

That was the last thing Thor remembered when he woke up that morning. That menacing voice and the unsettling words. He reasoned with himself that it might just be a metaphor for his anxieties, a reminder of his previous hubris and the long shadow of failure looming over him. His nightmares had never before taken such an unusual and uncanny form, but then his dreams had done nothing usual lately. It was fair to conclude all bets were off.

Still, as he dressed, he hoped desperately that he could convince the council to pick this planet for their refuge state soon. The sooner they got there, the faster they could start rebuilding. And the faster he could put this whole nightmare behind him, overcome it with the truth of his people’s success. Even Loki had been proud, hopeful. Surely, he didn’t dream about success for nothing.


	6. Chapter 6

“We _must_ come to an agreement,” Thor groaned from between his fingers, head in his hands. He’d listened to the squabbling of the council for half an hour. _Why_ they couldn’t agree to a planet, or even to rule out a planet, was beyond him. A half hour of tedious arguments and nothing came of it but a headache.

“It is not so simple, my lord.” One of the council chastised. His neighbors nodded in agreement.

“It would be, if you all got your heads out of your asses,” Thor muttered to himself. He dropped his hands from his face and looked out at the sea of unsympathetic faces. Save one, Heimdall had had a strange look on his face since walking into this meeting. He kept passing Thor significant looks, but it was beyond Thor to have any idea what they meant. The man was as opaque as he was gifted. But Thor had bigger problems just now.

“Please, loyal members of Asgard, I plead with you to recognize the urgency of the situation. We will be upon Midgard in a matter of weeks and what will we say to them if we have no planet for them to send their aid to? Or would you have us live out of this ark?”

The group protested, insisting Thor was heavy-handed and out of line. Thor was at the point of instituting absolute authority, he’d _show_ them out of line.

“My lord-”

“Our home is gone,” Thor interrupted before anyone could attempt to mollify him, “We must all accept that. Where we end up will not be like our home. It will be different, it will be strange. But it’s adapt or perish. And I think that Asgard is strong enough to rebuild.” That beautiful dream he’d had, a shining city on a hill, that could be a reality. They could really do that, if they would just…

“We agree,” a usually quiet woman spoke up for the first time, “my lord. You gave us a chance to survive. We should take it.”

The group turned to look at her, surprised, frowning. Then someone else spoke up, “We should take the unnamed planet. We’re headed to Midgard anyway; as our closest allies, it wouldn’t hurt to be near them. Probably.”

At last, at last, consensus seemed to be reached. Thor dared to look at Heimdall and the relief on the man’s face made Thor smile.

 “Alright, so we’re agreed!” Thor heaved a sigh and inwardly thanked the heavens for this boon, “We’ll scope out the unnamed planet as our refuge site after we stop in at Midgard. And that’s easy as we’ll be…” That’s when Thor noticed a change in the atmosphere of the room. He looked up to see all eyes on something behind him. Thor turned over his shoulder and nearly fell out of his chair.

Loki stood in the doorway, in Asgardian black and green again, one eyebrow idly raised at the stares he was getting. He smiled down at Thor when he turned around, then seated himself next to him, wiggling a little to get comfortable. He looked up and blinked at them all, as if surprised that not one person had spoken, moved, or breathed since his arrival. Thor, for his part, wasn’t sure he was even conscious anymore and that this wasn’t another dream. Loki looked over at him for answers, but Thor could scarcely breathe, much less process speech.

Loki turned back to the room at large and sat back, clearing his throat. “Oh, please, don’t stop on my account. The unnamed planet near Midgard, is it? Excellent location.” With that, all of the council rose and departed single file out of the meeting room, leaving a bemused Loki and a nearly catatonic Thor to work out… whatever needed working out. Heimdall chanced a look at the brothers before closing the procession and shutting the doors firmly behind him.

Just as Thor leaned forward, attempting to get himself together, Loki commented, as if it was of no import, “I’m leaving,” and lightning spontaneously exploded from Thor’s fingertips, all of his papers scattering, a few of them scorched. Loki hissed, flinching, “Easy, brother, easy-”

“You’re WHAT?!”

“Now, now-”

“You lock yourself away for WEEKS and you stop in to say you’re LEAVING?! Going where?! How? Why?” Thor took a deep breath to steady himself, his voice had been going squeaky there as he panicked, “Explain. Now.”

Loki clucked his tongue at Thor. “Brother-”

“NOW, Loki!” Thor shouted, slamming a fist on the table. He glared at Loki, hurt and insulted by Loki’s relaxed composure. He needed Loki to speak, and to speak fast, before he broke into sobs of relief, revealing just how worried he’d been this whole time.

Loki seemed to take in some of this from Thor’s glare and sighed, dropping his pleasant unconcern. “I’m not,” he started simply, shrugging, “I’m not going anywhere. But I could.” He smiled again. “And isn’t that wonderful?”

Thor squinted at him, not understanding and not sure he wanted to understand. Before Thor could rile himself into another explosion though, Loki hurried to continue. “When I left, weeks ago, I was… distraught.” Thor interrupted with a snort, but Loki kept going. “I felt used. And betrayed. I wondered… what my place was in all this, what father wanted of me, whether or not I had any identity of my own,” his eyes dropped to his lap, his whole face drawing down with sorrow. Thor relaxed a little; he might be smiling now, but Loki had been in real pain and Thor was glad that he wasn’t going to lie about that.

“And I was furious with him for doing this to me, for using me, and never telling me why. And I was furious with him that I can’t even ask now,” Loki gasped, exasperated, “And I thought about running away, I did.” He nodded solemnly. “I thought, since I was never supposed to be here, I must not belong. I might as well go anywhere, do anything, become anything.” He looked up, out towards the stars.

Thor swallowed. Travel must hold strong appeal for Loki, Thor thought; he hadn’t even really expected him to join the rest of the Asgardians in the first place. But Loki had, initially, chosen to be here. Thor hated the idea of ruling without Loki, especially now that he knew what that was like, but he couldn’t deny his brother the option of leaving either. If that was truly what he wanted…

“But, I also have nowhere else to go,” Loki glanced towards Thor, “Jotunheim is no home to me, I’ve only ever known Asgard as my home. And…” Loki hesitated, struggling for words, not quite meeting Thor’s eye anymore, “Asgard is my home. It’s where I was raised, it’s what I know… I belong here.”

Thor gulped and had to struggle with himself not to throw his arms around Loki and hug him tight while the tears rolled down his cheek. But as Loki dropped his head to collect himself, Thor could sense more was coming.

“But that doesn’t help the fact that I was stolen out of Jotunheim for some… purpose, as a tool, a prop.” A coldness entered Loki’s voice and his hands tightened around his arms as he spoke. “I was brought here for… some reason,” his eyes narrowed, searching, “some mystic reason that I don’t know and will never get to know.” He grit his teeth and sighed hard.

Loki turned to Thor so quickly it took Thor aback for a second. “Do you know how that hurts?” Loki inquired, eyes piercing, “To have no idea why you exist? To feel… useless, like you are no more than accidentally occupying space? And to know that… your own father did this to you. Your own father deliberately made you feel this way by refusing to tell you anything. Do you have any idea how that…” Loki stopped, biting his lip as he looked at Thor.

Thor was absorbed, completely concentrated on Loki’s words, but the unconscious look Thor was giving him was heartbreaking.

“No, of course you don’t,” Loki exhaled, “You’re Thor, god of thunder, you’ve always known who you were and who you were supposed to be.”

Thor gulped and started to open his mouth, but Loki interrupted before he could start, “And that’s a good thing. It’s good that you never had to wonder about the meaning of your existence. But it was… not so easy for me.”

“Loki…” Thor couldn’t help himself trying to comfort his brother, even knowing now was not the time.

Loki faltered and, for a moment, Thor thought Loki might actually let him hug him and tell him it was alright. But at last he shook his head and Thor forced himself to sit back and keep listening and wait.

“But, it’s not as simple as my life is meaningless. If it’s meaningless, that means I have a choice. But father took me, raised me, lied to me… what was that for?” Loki shrugged, “Doesn’t that mean there is a reason?” He blinked at Thor, genuinely asking.

Even Thor had come to this too. Given what he knew of his father, Odin never did anything without a reason, even when what he was doing seemed bizarre or cruel, frequently both, there was always a reason. Even he had asked himself why Odin had taken Loki, though not with any great concentration. The motives seemed inscrutable and, for Thor, ultimately meaningless. He didn’t care why Loki was here. It was only important that he _was_ here. He shook his head slowly and sighed. “Loki, yes, but…”

“Then why never tell me?” He sounded so sad now, not angry. Thor leaned closer, surprised at the difference. “Not once, not even after I found out, although he had every chance to. He first told me that… it was to ‘protect’ me,” he sneered, “but what’s left to protect me from after I found out? No, no, that wasn’t why.”

Thor shrugged helplessly, shaking his head. He didn’t bother searching for answers for Loki, he knew he had none. He’d have given them to him long ago if he knew anything that might help him.

“I think,” Loki licked his lips, “I think that it was an experiment. He never told me because he didn’t want to interfere with what I became. Of course, that worked out splendidly when he _hated_ what I became,” Loki drawled, rolling his eyes, “But, our father wasn’t perfect, was he. And even with you, he wasn’t always the most involved parent.”

Thor raised his eyebrows, shifting in his seat. “Father trained me to be a king, but…” Odin had never, exactly, been as aware of Thor’s interests or pursuits, good or ill, as he might have been. After all, rather than stop him from going to Jotunheim, or properly caution him against it, he simply punished him after the fact, hoping he’d learn his lesson on his own.

“Yes, exactly! But!” Loki agreed excitedly. “If he knew so much, if he’d planned so much, and if… if he bound us,” Loki swallowed, “why be so distant? Even you, he sometimes refused to guide. And as for me, it was like I only had one parent.” He sighed and shook his head. “But he used us both. You never asked to be clairvoyant, I never asked to be adopted or, or bound to you.”

Thor noticed Loki hesitate and swallow past the idea and he wondered what Loki’s feelings were, exactly, about being bound to him.

“But if it’s true,” Loki continued, “if it’s true that he bound us, and it’s true that we were to make up for Hela, why didn’t he tell us? Why didn’t he want to interfere?”

Thor considered that. It did seem a paradoxical proposition, to meticulously manipulate events and then to remove oneself entirely from the consequences.

“I’ve been pondering this and pondering this,” Loki drummed his fingers on the table, “and, loathe as I am to give him any credit, I think he was trying to give us freedom.” His lip curled involuntarily as he said it. “After all that planning and manipulation, it’s almost as if he was trying to make up for it.”

Loki looked up and Thor’s eye was wide and round, listening intently. “You think that was it? Freedom?” Thor prompted, inquisitive, “How do you mean?”

Loki rolled his head back, thinking. “Well, do you think that father planned for me to invade Midgard?”

 “No,” Thor grunted. If Odin _had_ foreseen it, he certainly hadn’t done anything about it, Thor thought bitterly.

“And do you think that father planned for me to disrupt your coronation?” Loki started to smile.

Thor snorted and shook his head. “Unless he was planning for us to punish each other.”

Loki’s eyebrows rose, but he grinned widely. “Now you’re starting to see what a bastard our father was. And even you, do you think he _planned_ for you to start war with Jotunheim? Or fall in love with that human woman?”

“Jane,” Thor corrected automatically.

“Whatever,” Loki brushed her aside, “the point is, we had _choice._ We could do whatever we wanted. Without knowing what his plans were, we could neither obey nor rebel. And while he never approved of _anything_ I did… I am not his tool.” A light came into Loki’s eyes and Thor saw him sit up straighter, a heaviness lifted from his shoulders. “I am my own person, I make my own choices. And _to hell_ with whatever it is he wanted. He never bothered to tell me so I refuse to worry about it anymore.”

He turned to Thor, eyes bright with tears. “Brother, I’m free. I’ll never know for sure what I was supposed to be, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter,” he gasped, more to himself than to Thor. His eyes searched the air before him, seeing dozens and dozens of possibilities. “I don’t... have to care anymore,” he whispered, tears spilling over at last.

Before Thor could reach out to him, and he badly needed to, Loki launched himself out of his chair into Thor’s chest, throwing his arms around his shoulders and sobbing. The emotion stunned Thor for a moment, but he quickly embraced Loki, holding him to his chest and letting him find relief.

There were many things Thor wanted to say, how proud he was of Loki, how sorry he was he had never been much help when they were younger. But none of that seemed like quite the right thing. “I’m glad… that you decided to stay,” Thor murmured in his ear, squeezing him particularly hard as a tear of his own leaked out. It meant more to him than he could ever put into words that, after all that, Loki was still choosing to be here, with him.

Loki made a funny, sharp, little noise at that and his hands tightened on Thor’s shoulders. Thor couldn’t say he minded.

After many minutes, Loki sat back, returning to his own chair, scrubbing straggling tears from his face. The blotchy redness on his features actually looked rather adorable to Thor and he had to fight the desire to hug Loki again.

“Well, should we tell every-”

“My lord!”

“THOR!”

In the same moment, several things happened. Just as Thor was offering to announce Loki’s return to the fold to the rest of the council, Valkyrie burst through the doors, with Heimdall right on top of her, physically trying to hold her back from crashing inside. Thor and Loki whipped round at the same moment, identical looks of confusion on their faces.

“My lords-”

“I don’t CARE what they’re discussing!” Valkyrie snarled at Heimdall, before jerking back to Thor, “THOR, the Hulk is loose, someone showed him an optical illusion and he lost control. I’m worried he’ll bust an airlock.”

Thor’s shoulders fell. “Oh no…” he groaned, already half out of his chair, “Damn it, we need to issue a PSA on Hulk safety, where is he?!” Thor snapped, starting to run.

“Down that hall!” Valkyrie shouted, dodging Heimdall and sprinting after him, “Downstairs, near the rec hall! Oh, and welcome back!” She threw over her shoulder at Loki, who was now standing outside the rent doors next to a disgruntled Heimdall.

Loki lifted a hand in acknowledgement, but the two had already disappeared. He sighed to himself, “It’s always something.” He eyed the stoic guardian standing next to him, a question niggling at his brain. “So you _were_ listening to every word?” Loki muttered, looking after the hall Thor had disappeared down.

“Every word,” Heimdall answered, nodding, “and I have just one question.”

Loki closed his eyes, preparing himself, and turned deliberately to Heimdall. It didn’t hurt to hold his breath either.

“Are you here because you want to be?” Heimdall narrowed his eyes at the ex-prince.

Loki blinked and started to smile. “Actually, I am.”

Heimdall squinted at him, golden eyes raking over Loki’s relaxing posture. “Just making sure,” he finally pronounced, ending his inquisition, “Can’t be too careful.”

Loki couldn’t argue with that. “So, we’re good now?” he added, turning back to look down the hall, unable to keep a fond smile off his face.

The silence meeting his question stretched on and on until Loki was forced to turn back to Heimdall and see the disbelieving look Heimdall was giving him.

 “…you’ll be watching like a hawk?” Loki replied dryly.

“Every second.”

Loki nodded. “I think I deserve that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I want to thank everyone for your patience. I know this was longer than most of you wanted to wait, so I sure hope this was worth it. 
> 
> Second, I'd like to thank my intrepid betas for all THEIR hard work and patience. You guys are awesome, could NOT have finished this without you. Woof, this last chapter was a bitch. 
> 
> Third, How About That Infinity War Huh? Hit me up on tumblr (@itsybitsylemonsqueezy) if you wanna talk spoiler shit with me.


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